Since Kreskin is coming to the Garde Arts Center, it seems appropriate that I cast my crafty and all-knowing psychic’s eye to the music world and reveal my guaranteed predictions for 2012.
-- In a peculiar and accidental confluence of events involving an archaeological crew and a sexton at Bladon Churchyard, whose radio happens to be playing LMFAO’s hit single “Sexy and I Know It” while he works in the cemetery, the corpse of Winston Churchill will be videotaped literally turning over in his crypt to retch.
-- Kanye West and Jay Z will fly over the Occupy New York grounds in a gold-plated helicopter, dropping $100 bills out of the cockpit and laughing hysterically as various banking and loan execs race out of their office suites to kick and spray Mace on protesters in desperate attempts to get the money.
-- An inside exec at Polydor Records says the label would unequivocably have signed Lana Del Rey "even if she looked like that Janis Joplin woman."
-- Twirling ever faster, the “fame cycle” will reach a point where Foster the People, starting to walk down a Hollywood Red Carpet celebrity event as the “biggest band in the world,” will be escorted off the carpet after 24 feet because, by that point, they will no longer be remotely popular.
-- Physicists at Rice University are unable to explain how the Grateful Dead manage to form their 200th different offshoot quintet despite a recurring mathematical constant of Bob Weir, Phil Lesh and Mickey Hart in the lineup. A Rice spokesman -- an expert in cold fusion -- nonetheless says he feels a distinct probability that “St. Stephen” and “Dark Star” will be in the new group’s live repertoire.
-- As he's done in ritual fashion since the release of Dead Flowers, Keith Richards will pick a day in October for his annual tooth-brushing.
-- Despite their 20th anniversary hoopla, Eddie Vedder will leave Pearl Jam — only to be replaced by that Mayhem guy on the insurance commercials.
-- John Mayer will sue Joe Bonamassa for “stealing my I-IV-V chord progression.” Though Mayer ackowledges that "certain blues pioneers like Kenny Wayne Shepherd experimented with similar forms," he feels as though he is the proper Father of the Blues.
-- Ce-Lo Green, still universally loathed for changing the lyrics to “Imagine” in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, will be booed off the stage at the Grammy awards for changing the lyrics in his rendition of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It.” LMFAO will comment, “That song and the words are precious to me. Ce-Lo’s a great artist, and it’s one thing to screw around with John Lennon, but that he would have the audicity to alter my classic tune is an insult to the whole world.”
-- Frustrated by their inability to get Adam Lambert to replace Freddie Mercury, members of Queen will collectively sigh and agree to join Lambert as his backing band.
-- In July, Billboard magazine will publish a first-ever Top 100 Singles chart on which not ONE musical instrument is actually played by a living musician on any of the recordings.