We still have a long way to go

in addressing domestic violence

A strapping and strong athlete, he lands a mighty punch on his girlfriend and knocks her unconscious. Then he drags her body across the threshhold of the elevator, like she was a piece of meat and not a human being.

Almost everyone with a pulse in this country knows what I am referring to.

The episode involving former Baltimore Raven running back Ray Rice, his girlfriend and now wife, Janay Palmer, and the National Football League, has galvanized the nation and put a much needed spotlight on domestic violence. Perhaps this is a watershed event that will usher in a greater degree of understanding and change. Many Americans gained new insights - but many also displayed a total lack of understanding of the complicated dynamics of domestic violence and blamed the victim.

For every high profile, sensational case there are thousands upon thousands of episodes occuring every day in the shadows, behind closed doors, in our neighborhoods and our backyards.

Sadly, for all of our national outrage, we have failed to solve this problem. Yes, we have made strides in the last 100 years. At one time, women were considered the property of men, could not own property in their own right and had no rights to their own offspring. It was not illegal to beat or rape one's spouse. Indeed, many thought it was a duty and obligation to instill proper discipline and respect for the male authority. It wasn't until 1882 that Maryland became the first state to pass a law that made wife-beating a crime, punishable by 40 lashes or a year in jail.

In the 20th century, Connecticut was a pioneer in changing criminal justice legislation and enforcement on domestic violence. Yet despite these advances and growing awareness, the statistics remain horrific.

Three women every day in our country are murdered by an intimate partner. And access to firearms increases the chance of deadly domestic violence five-fold.

The number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq is over 6,000. The number of women, in the same period, killed as the result of domestic violence in the U.S. is over 12,000. Another shocking statistic is that the number one cause of death for African-American women ages 15-34 is homicide at the hands of a partner.

One in three women will experience physical violence by a partner in her lifetime. In the time it takes you to read this essay, about 24 people will experience abuse.

Most discouraging is the impact of domestic violence on our children. One in five of our teenage high school and college girls will be victims of dating violence. And millions of our children who are victims or witnesses to violence can suffer life-crippling trauma. A young man who grows up in a household with domestic violence is three times more likely to become an abuser himself. So the cycle of violence continues.

In the reaction to the Ray Rice and Janay Palmer episode, many Americans revealed their ignorance about domestic violence. Contrary to myth, it is not defined by someone being out of control and lashing out. It is a cycle and pattern of control. Here is a working definition: Domestic Violence is a pattern of coercive behavior motivated by power and control in intimate relationships whereby the behavior of another person is controlled through humiliation, intimidation, fear, and often intentional physical, emotional or sexual injury.

So when people ask the oft-repeated question: "Well why didn't she just leave him," they fail to understand the dynamic. Studies are showing that it takes at least five to eight episodes of violence before a woman can get up the courage and resolve to leave a relationship. Until then, she is living under the terror of control and intimidation, often threatened with more emotional, economic and physical harm if she dare tell the police or other people about her plight. And in some cases, she lives with the illusion that only she can heal her lover of the demons that possess him and lash out at her - only her love and constancy will make a difference. And we also learn that the moment she resolves to leave is when she faces the highest risk of violence and even death. The abuser cannot countenance losing control.

What can we as individuals and as a community do?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the color is PURPLE.

1. Support community organizations like Safe Futures that support, educate and protect victims - men, women and children alike. www.safefuturesct.org

2. Learn more about domestic violence and how you can make a difference.

3. Talk about the issue with your family and friends and learn how to reach out to those you know who need support. You can help save a life.

4. Encourage healthy and respectful relationships with your family and friends.

5. Attend awareness-raising events. The Power Or Purple Campaign was created as a partnership between the Rose Conrad Memorial Fund of Safe Futures and Hadassah of Eastern Connecticut to bring awareness and education to the community. Attend the: Power of Purple Second Annual Hot Cider Walk and Rally from noon to 3:30 p.m. on Oct. 19 at the Groton Municipal Building, 295 Meridian St.

Call 860-884-8945 for information.

Sheila S. Horvitz is the founder of the Rose Conrad Memorial Fund of Safe Futures and chair of the Power of Purple Campaign.