Long ago, I humbly realized I’m not Malcolm Lowry or Eudora Welty or even Lester Bangs. Hell, I couldn’t even get on-staff with the squadron that cranks out the formulaic Hardy Boys page-turners — in spite of a book synopsis called “The Hardy Boys and the Secret of How Their Peppery Aunt Gertrude Became a Vicious Mob Knee-Breaker.”

And so I was surprised when reps from George Zimmerman — yes, THAT George Zimmerman — asked me to submit a proposal to write the copy for the recent announcement that he’s auctioning off the gun he used to shoot Trayvon Martin.

I declined, saying, “Jeez, Z, thanks, but you’re the sort of citizen who makes ticks cringe.”

In all modesty, I do think I could have written a finer “gun for sale” statement than the one Zimmerman ultimately used, which included: “I am honored and humbled to announce the sale of an American firearm icon. The firearm for sale is the firearm that was used to defend my life and end the brutal attack from Trayvon Martin on 2/26/2012 ... It’s a piece of American history.”

I mean, the ghostwriter used “firearm” three times in eight words! D-minus, for those of you grading along at home. Ultimately, though, this made me wonder if I could have been of contextual and tasteless service in the past and going forward. Here are a few examples — and all would have been released from the offices of Rick Koster Public Relations (motto: “We Write Good”).

1. “Want a (literal) historical fingerprint? The estate of Harry S. Truman has authorized the sale of the index finger the President used to push the Nagasaki red button! The amputated and preserved digit has been authenticated by the mortician who processed Truman’s corpse. Opening bid is $100,000.”

2. “Justin Bieber, the artistic equal to Prince, David Bowie and that country guy named Merle Haggerty — and the one who outlived them all! — is pleased to announce a very special auction. The Beebs has decided to part with his personal first-edition copy of Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning,” with Justin’s heartfelt observations scrawled in the margins. Tear-stains are real! Bidding starts at $3 million.”

3. “Own Kanye West’s ego! That’s right: the rapper/entrepreneur, through a bizarre vacuuming process, has extracted his own ego in tactile form and offers it for sale. Note to potential bidders: a structure the size of the Superdome is required to house this product. It’s also sorta slimy.”